I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize