i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
