The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
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