haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
