for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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