Tell her she can't have a vagina
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
