24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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