M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
