My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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