Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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