I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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