And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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