I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
