I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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