Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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