just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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