Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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