At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize