i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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