I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
