I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
