so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
