i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
