what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
