On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
