Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize