I'm so fucking centered right now
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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