it was like a zeppelin in a condom
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
