I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Who died my cat blue again?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
