I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
