you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
