Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize