I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
