Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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