Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
