Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
