Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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