2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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