I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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