i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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