i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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