Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
