i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
