The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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