I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize