Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
