i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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