Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
