I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
