my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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