I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
