I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
