I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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