***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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