you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
