look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
